I was just reading an article on Single Dad Laughing I think the blog is called. Or dannoah.com. It was from two years ago and it was about how people are christian unless your fill in the blank.
Its interesting that this article should come across my screen right now as it expresses the very thing I am struggling with in my own life. I personally see myself doing it to before you get all mad at me for mentioning it. I see the world and how quick they judge others who have done bad things in the world. Its so easy for us to judge and say mean things about other people based on little or no information. These days media and news just fuels that fire more and more. Its so sad how people say things like I am so glad so and so killed themselves after going on a killing spree. Really? Did you stop and think about how the family of the person who did that might be feeling? Do you even know the anguish they are feeling and the pain for not seeing the signs that lead to the break that caused the spree? No they are not seeing that this person may have been on a psychotic break and was not in their right mind. Yes its tragic that others had to suffer and lose their lives but its equally tragic that the person did not get the help they needed so they fell to this as a last resort.
Now I am not a fan or pedophilia in any shape or form. I do not think its good to sexualize children or for child pornography to be about. However, I also do not think anyone has a right to say boo about someone who has been convicted. Not all the people who have been convicted and labeled a child predator are actually predators. There are quite a few that have done bad things and deserve to serve time but there are enough that have not done anything and are paying for the crime that it makes me sad to think about. It makes me equally sad all the children that have had to suffer psychological trauma at the hands of true pedophiles. The hard part of this is how can we make the system work so it is way more black and white without these glaring areas of gray where people who do not deserve to be labeled sex offenders are falling through the cracks and people who should be are still managing to go Scott free.
The things that we say about other people in the name of caring can be some of the most horrible things you ever hear. I was once told by someone who loved me that you are so beautiful except fill in the blank here. Really? When I was fat I was judged on that. I was told I was lazy and not worth much. Maybe not in so many words but in many veiled sentences. The ones that would ogle me because I was fat were no better. It is far more flattering to be loved and cared for as your inner being than what the hell the outside shows.
Granted I have been doing a lot of work on my outer appearance. I have come to realize that I probably will never ever be fully satisfied with my outer appearance. I know my flaws better than others. I am sad to say that since I have lost the weight I am being noticed a lot more by attractive people and in a way I find this depressing because they are so shallow. I have also found that people who have more weight on them and do not know the journey I took to get here make me feel like I am disdained.
Sometimes I find myself falling into the trap that so many people who have lost the weight fall into and that is thinking that if only they moved so and so the overweight person would feel so much better. I should totally know better. I know the struggle it was for me to get to the point of getting off my ass and moving. It was a very slow hill to climb but once I got to the top and really got into it I found it was down hill from there. I am at another hill again. I am struggling off and on now. But if I just find the patience in myself and stop judging others I may find the road is easier.
My thoughts that I have that are judgmental are rarely spoken out loud for everyone to hear. My thoughts most of the time sit inside of me poisoning my inner being. It has been a real struggle to sweep those thoughts away whenever I realize they are occurring. I truly want my heart to reflect what I truly believe and that is we should not judge and should always love each other. But I struggle every single day not to harbor hateful thoughts and feelings. They are there festering away even though I keep sweeping them and trying to let them go.
I will keep trying my best to love everyone equally and I will try my best to correct my judgmental thoughts. Most of all I will continue to forgive myself for being all too human.
I want you to know that I love you. You are very dear to me. You are dear to me because you are a part of me. Your feelings and your thoughts are what drove me to the place I am now. 72 pounds lighter and actually for the first time since I was in high school am at a healthy weight. I know you are there because all of a sudden all those feelings you felt when we started this journey to become healthier are coming back. You start complaining because we no longer eat sweets all the time and we do not eat bacon cheeseburger or french fries any more. Oh my heaven forbid we forget those potato chips the giant bags of them that we used to gobble up in two hours. Not to mention eating like 5 bags in a week and gaining 10 pounds. I know you miss eating an entire deep dish medium pizza covered in cheese in one sitting. Most of all you miss eating whatever you wanted whenever you wanted. All those Lemon Zingers and those Honey Buns. Not to mention once in a while eating two maple bars at once. I know you miss that and I do allow you to have some of those things in moderation.
I understand you want me to go back to that by making me feel fat even though I have lost all the weight. You make me feel so inferior and like the work was not worth it. You make me feel like the small amounts of fat that I still have on my body are larger than they really are and you make me feel like I am still that huge fat girl.
I am standing her right now and telling you inner fat girl enough is enough. I am tired of you telling me that I am still fat. I am tried of you telling me to go to McDonalds and have chicken mcnuggets and french fries because you miss them. I am tired of you acting like its no big deal if we eat a little more even if its healthy.
We made an agreement when we started this journey on March 1, 2012. We both decided that we were tired of being fat and out of shape. We agreed that we would change our eating habits and start exercising. I even did the changes gradually so you could get used to the idea. You were really gung ho about it when the first 25 pounds came off and you were even happy up to 160 because that was our goal. But now that we are past 160 and getting lower toward a new goal of 135 you keep seeding me with these doubts and making me feel like shit again.
I have had enough. I lost this weight that we agreed upon now it is time to lose you. I love you but it is time for you to pack your fat ass bags and go! So long and thanks for all the fish…..
Been thinking about what I want to post about for a couple of days. Today I decided to talk about kindness.
The world can stand to be a better place if everyone took a moment each day to show a little kindness. You do not necessarily have to be kind all day, but I think you will find your life will change to a more positive light if you make kindness a part of your daily journey. Kindness does not need to be some kind of grand gesture. It can simply be a smile to a stranger on the street or a thank you to that person who does a service for you every day.
I remember a kindness I did when I was in high school. There was a young man who was disabled in some way either developmentally or something similar. He was teased unmercifully by lots of people who were popular. However, there were some that treated him well. My older brother was a friend of his. This young man developed a crush on me. We were at a school dance and my brother revealed this to me.
When I was in junior high school I had broken my foot and at a dance I begged one of the popular boys who I had a huge crush on to dance with me (the whole school knew). He finally relented and we danced a slow dance together while the entire school applauded. Seriously everyone around me and the entire bleachers of people waiting for a fast song to start applauded me getting this dance. It was the craziest moment of my life. Because of the popular guy’s kindness thereafter I never was in want of a slow dance partner when I went to junior high school and high school dances. All I needed to do was ask. Once in a while I was even asked. I also never forgot that.
I remembered that day when my brother came to me and told me about the young man’s crush on me. He asked me to ask him to dance with me at a slow dance. I felt this was absolutely the best thing to do. I wanted to make him happy. So I asked him to dance with me when the next slow dance came up. I had never seen him smile so wide. He did try to kiss me which I prevented as I did not want to give him the wrong idea. But it was my hope that my kindness made him have a very special moment that he will never forget as well as give him the confidence to keep trying to be the best person he is meant to be. I know I will never forget him. He made an impart in my life.
Be kind to others as you never know how it will impact them.
I have a million ideas and a lot of them are good ones. I just lack the confidence and the funds to implement them. I am completely enamored by various geeky people who have made it so to speak. I identify with them because they remind me of me as well as I hear how they struggled before they found success. I know it’s perfectly silly to be intimidated by people like Felicity Day and Wil Wheaton as they are just human beings that managed to find their niche and run with it after years of struggling.
I have met Wil Wheaton a number of times. Sometimes he has been very personable and sometime he just seems to be harsh and brash. I know that he never meant to come off that way and he is just a human being just like the rest of us. He as been kind to me on the few occasions that I have written to him via email.
Even so I still find myself completely intimidated. I am literally sitting here absolutely annoyed with myself for these feelings of inadequacy and intimidation. Wil and Felicity are human beings just like me. They have moments where they feel inadequate and like they can never measure up to someone. Why the hell am I trying to measure myself against them. I am not them! I am just me!
I am my own unique individual that has their own personal voice and mission in this world and this life we all share on the planet earth in the Milky Way Galaxy on a woefully small part of the vast space that is beyond our comprehension.
What will I take from this ridiculous moment where I got lost in my feelings of human fallacy? I will take from this moment that I will find my voice and I will become the most amazing ME that I am meant to be!
We are about 9 days into the new year. In a lot of ways it feels about the same as the past year. There is one subtle difference this year. I am different. I believe in myself more and love myself even greater. In the past year I have lost over 60 pounds and improved my fitness level considerably. I have also learned to eat better and treat myself better. I have periods where my food is not great but because I am consistently working out and not going crazy with the not great eating I manage to maintain at least.
I am hoping to lose another 25 pounds so that I can then just tone and look fit. The last 25 pounds or so are mostly around my tummy and bummy.
So that is one of my New Year’s Resolutions. On to the other resolutions aka plans for this year.
1. I want to visit the Grand Canyon! As far as I know I have never been. I have not researched what I want to do there but I do know I need and want to see it.
2. Either find a new client or two or find a second job. I need more cash flow into my life to fulfill the next step in my new year’s hopes/resolutions.
3. Move to Chicago.
4. Gain some success in my Food blogging and other online pursuits.
It is actually pretty amazing how quickly the year has passed by. We are going to hit Halloween very soon and then following that comes Thanksgiving and Christmas. I am always surprised how quickly a year goes every year. I should not be as the older you get the faster the years pass. I am hoping to do some more updates this month on the website.
So about 29 days ago now I started the Jillian Michaels 90 Day Body Revolution. I have been doing daily vlogs on YouTube about it. I like my results so far. Very small results but its definitely obvious that progress has been made. I am amazed most of all by what I can do now. I started a new phase today. The first 28 days were Phase 1 of the program which was a lot of toning and strengthening of the body.
I am still having a lot of difficulty with balance when it comes to standing on one leg exercises. I know that I am not the only one that has that problem because she does tell you to modify if you cant to it. My goal is to try to get a couple of reps in each time to strengthen my balance. I know also that as the weight goes down and my flexibility continues to improve the balance issue will also improve.
Now I was very worried about moving on to Phase 2 because during Phase 1 about two weeks in when we started workouts 3 and 4 my right knee began to hurt every single work out. It was bad really painful. So bad that in the first week after the first three days I was forced to take an extra rest day to give it a chance to heal a bit. That was hard. I wanted to work out so bad but I knew if I did that day I would tear it. Toward the end of that week I got an idea I would try my Pilate’s Body Band DVD to see if stretching it out would help. So at first I was doing them after then I stopped for a couple of days. So I tried the Pilate’s before the workout. Now that is what I am talking about. The Pilates before the workout were the best idea yet. They warm up my muscles and my body and because of that I get a lot more out of the intense workout afterwards.
So today was the first day of Phase 2. Workout 5 was my work out today and it was more intense than the others and harder than the others. But I loved it! It was fantastic. I am thrilled to pieces with the work we did in the first four workouts and the Cardio DVD because that work is what has made it possible for me to do the stuff I am doing in this workout. I am hoping upon hope that Workout 6 and Cardio 2 are also as fun as that one. If I can enjoy the pain then its well worth the push. Just to let you know by the end of this work out I was Nauseated. That is either because it was more intense or because I have a migraine coming on(having auras). Either way I can’t wait to see what the next workout brings. ;)